Luftbahn

Not everything that died is dead. There is still a fire in me, a spark that inhabits me. It has almost gone out many times, but like any sacred flame, it searches somewhere for air to keep burning. And there was a day when this flame almost extinguished, it became so weak that it threatened to disappear. The neighbors thought it had died, or if it hadn’t died, they thought it was just lingering.

“How is Mrs. Lurdes?” 

“I think she’s lying there, half-dead. She doesn’t walk, doesn’t talk, has no desires or aspirations.”

This was the conversation circulating the neighborhood. The neighborhood wasn’t very big, and in truth, few people cared about Mrs. Lurdes. Except for Mrs. Carmem, the closest neighbor, who took care of her. Since neither of them had children, husbands, or anyone else, they had each other.

I went to talk to Mrs. Carmem, I went to visit the women in the neighborhood. I wanted to have a coffee with them, feel the scent of hopelessness, and then go back home, rejuvenated, as if seeing suffering but not needing to carry it.

“Hi Carmem.” I found it difficult to maintain a conversation. Lack of interest, maybe not enough energy to step out of myself, and I also struggled to choose the right words. I asked to see Lurdes, who was lying in bed, her eyes half-open, breathing heavily, and every now and then, it seemed like her expression changed, her face looked slightly relieved — light from not being alive.

“Do you think she’ll die soon?” It seemed like an impolite question, but it wasn’t. Anyone seeing her like that would wonder how long it would take for death to come. If it took too long, it would be bad. If it came soon, it would bring both sadness and relief.

“What made her like this?” Was it a sudden illness, a heart problem? Could it have been a choice of hers, a wish to die that was only half-fulfilled? I would have liked to bring her back to life. To ask her what she saw while she slept, what dreams she had in the deep sleep.

I heard that it all happened after a broken heart. Lurdes loved a man who didn’t love her back. I sat there and just looked at her. I tried to create a mental rapport, tried to read her thoughts, I felt something between us. That woman wanted to tell me something. But her thoughts whispered too quietly.

It was all confusing. Suddenly, I was in a dark place. Inside me, there were thoughts that no longer belonged to me. They must have been Lurdes’ thoughts. What I felt was very clumsy, a black fog of dust and explosion. Fear everywhere, there were cliffs, and I was afraid of falling from them. There were angry dogs, and I felt they wanted to catch me and kill me. There was so much, so much water everywhere. Pools of clear water and blue tiles, but as soon as I dove in, the water would become dirty, full of mud, and stink. The seas that seemed calm quickly formed giant waves; it was terrifying how much fear I felt. The waves were thirty meters high! I ran down the beach and soon saw mermaids, fairies, and pets. The mermaids tried to seduce me, and I was afraid I might like it.

The horrible sensation was slowly becoming pleasant. Soon, I was in a hammock, reading a magazine with good news, and everything seemed right, fate was in my favor, and all the beasts were tamed. But it wasn’t…

Soon, the grim reaper came and took me from my peace. Beasts stared at me and disapproved. I was in a fighting arena, just me and a beast. I heard from the crowd surrounding me that I had to pay for the wrong I had committed.

I was getting weak, almost falling from the chair. “Laerte, are you tired? Here, I made some coffee,” said Carmem. I looked at Lurdes, she was still there, almost dead, but her expression seemed slightly more peaceful. She didn’t look happy, nor sad, but certainly almost dead. And I felt like I had control over her. I felt that somehow, almost supernaturally, my will would either awaken her or let her sleep more. But who am I to interfere with fate?

“Things of life or death and matters of love, man doesn’t decide them, Laerte,” said Carmem, as if reading my thoughts.

I watched her, and what remained of that woman? Her weakened body in that warm bed, a dark room with a slight smell of mold, the walls already showing the relentless passage of time, who knows how many years this situation had been like this. And what were her treasures? What did Lurdes dream of, what did she want in her full life? A beautiful house on a distant hill, slender thoroughbred horses, or maybe the sobriety of wisdom? I looked at her, intrigued. On one hand, I felt her presence, but on the other, it was an abyssal emptiness. Did she suffer, did she dream?

I felt the urge to kill her! But not in a repulsive cruel act, I wanted to kill her out of empathy. In a sudden moment, I saw myself going straight for her neck, a cut in the right place, and that would be the end. I really wanted to strangle her out of compassion. A fog and explosion, blurry thoughts that almost ruined me. “Let Lurdes die, but don’t wish to die with her,” whispered a voice inside me. But Lurdes was like a piece of me, how could I see so much of myself in her? I never had the aspiration or desire to be so weak even in life. My spark still burns! I am not like Lurdes, so extinguished and hopeless. Someone needed to kill her for the good of everyone. Someone needed to extinguish my need to look at her and suffer for her so copiously. Someone had to remind me that living was better than dying.

“Lurdes was good in life, virtuous. I only pray that her soul is who she truly was, and not a gentle hypocrite.”

 “Carmem, why would Lurdes be a hypocrite in life? The woman spread goodness, was beautiful in body and soul, her good taste reflected her highest respect for the divine.” 

She was indeed an elegant woman with good taste. She knew how to dress and behave, she was clever but not Machiavellian. She did seek her own benefit, but never at the expense of others’ rights. She was fair and consistent. I couldn’t say why, at the height of her forty-five years, fate needed to call her like this. There are so many mysteries…

I opened her wardrobe, overcome with the desire to discover more of her secrets. Carmem was tidying the house, and I felt free to snoop. Her silk dresses, her untouched makeup items, her collection of summer hats — such good taste, who could have refused to love her and left her so disillusioned?

“Lurdes, talk to me… I’m ready to listen to you, let me feel your pain and tell me your desires.” I used my hand to smooth her arm. Her skin was soft, but I soon felt her bones, it was skin and bone. I took her hands, so delicate, so cold, her nails well-groomed. I squeezed her right hand tightly. “Tell me if you feel something, anything, even if it’s fury, if that’s it, I’ll help you take revenge on the one who wronged you. If it’s pain, I’ll take you to bathe in the healing waters of Vichy. If it’s just laziness to exist, I understand, Lurdes, but what took away your vitality? Talk to me, for I must be the last person in the world who wants to hear you. I am your hope…”

Her breathing dared to deepen and seemed more pronounced, more present. With each sigh, it seemed she wanted to communicate something.

“Come, Carmem, she’s waking up…” And I didn’t know what to do. I was a little in shock, my legs were struggling to stay upright, such was the fright. She seemed to say something, and her words were too precious to be lost.

“Come, Carmem, come listen with me, she seems to be saying something.” The lady hurried, and soon she was in the room. We looked at each other in fright, then looked at the body in the bed. She was motionless, with the usual expression. “Sometimes she breathes more strongly,” said Carmem, “as if she’s about to say something, but then gives up and goes back to dreaming.” I sat next to her. Carmem returned to the kitchen to tidy up the coffee things. There was a whole mystery in the air, and I don’t know how, or why, but Lurdes and I had shared something in the past, a past I couldn’t remember. But I owed her something, and I had to pay her back now, I had to give her something precious that wasn’t gold or any treasure, it was a little more than that, it was a piece of me.

I went to her closet and chose the most beautiful dress. A black silk dress with a flare, it was clear that it had been barely worn, she must have bought it for a special occasion that she never even attended. I chose her most austere jewelry, a necklace with two large ruby stones and a solitaire ring with a yellowed diamond. I hung everything next to her bed.

“Look, Lurdes, look at your beautiful things and wake up to wear them, don’t let the earth take what’s yours before its time.” I didn’t think of reviving her with wealth but with the seduction of the flesh. Maybe her spiritual side was already gone, but there, in that bed, still slept an animal, a dense body that still needed to be fed by passions.

I took her hand again, and again the disturbing images from our shared past came to me. A funeral procession passes through a street adorned with black roses, incense burns, and I see little through the smoke. Grotesque and black shadows slowly appear, their distorted figures mumbling something. People around me writhe in desperation, and I hear screams and macabre chants.

Suddenly, I’m in an abyss, feeling cold and despair. Abandoned, forsaken, maggots slowly eat my body, I see my arms and legs becoming rotten. The worms have an insatiable hunger. A black bird with eyes of fire hovers above me, its feathers soaked in human blood sings a dark omen, and everything I see becomes distorted. Terror and delirium. A desire to regurgitate it all.

No, I can’t try to help her anymore, I’d have to kill myself for that, I’d have to go mad first. A desire to scream, to shout as loud as possible. A desire to kill her, a desire to throw her body into flames. This woman is like this because she’s tormented by darkness, so devoid of compassion, she’s an evil witch, a selfish and diabolical soul. And what do I have to do with it? Why do I want to be so close? Why do I need her to breathe? Why do I feel like I need to save her, when all I want is to kill her and run away unscathed? Get away from me, disgusting and evil woman, away from me with your impure and macabre thoughts and desires, your soul was consumed by darkness, and here I withdraw my pact.

Let her soul burn, let it perish in hell, let her lose the last drop of sanity. I left there quickly, or I would have killed her. Now and then, she still appears in my mind, and I wonder if she still lives like that. I hope not, while wishing her all the evil. Wandering soul, why do you want to chain me? She still appears in my dreams, still seeks me in delirium, and I, with no strength, refuse to visit her.

Some time passed, and I met Carmem at the market. She was dressed in black, her gaze seemed wilted, but at the same time, her movements seemed lighter. She said: “You won’t believe it. She got up at the peak of her darkness. I was drinking wine alone when she came to the kitchen, lit black candles, laughed loudly, and seemed more rejuvenated than ever. By the way, she’s looking for you, she said you owe her something…” And since that day, I haven’t been able to sleep. My flame is so strong, it burns brightly.